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Post by ASHBY GARETH FALKNER on Apr 23, 2010 19:57:41 GMT
I REFUSE TO CLOSE MY EYES
[/color][/font] ::I HAVE LOVED, AND I HAVE LOST[/color][/font] I have turned, and I have tossed I have listened, and I have watched I've gave into this for long enough I have lost, and I have loved Sleep has stolen far too much So don't close your eyes, not just yet SLEEP IS JUST A COUSIN OF DEATH[/center] = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
seated in the auditorium at around one in the am, ashby wondered if he was a creeper for being in here all by himself. in his seat towards the middle, his feet were up on the seat in front of him and he was pushing himself back so he could lean. he tilted his head back and let his shaggy hair fall in his eyes. he had no idea what he would be looking at up there, but for some reason, the position was comfortable. way more comfortable than his bed back in the dorm. he could not stand forcing sleep upon him any longer, so he put on a pair of plaid pajama pants, his ratty converse and a black hoodie and headed to the auditorium. why? simply for the fact that it had a piano on the stage that got some use every once in awhile.
normally, he would not play on any piano other than his own, but he had missed playing the piano. he missed his long, slender fingers on the black and ivory keys. he missed his feet on the pedals and the sounds he could create as his fingers danced ever so lightly. the piano was the first instrument he ever learned to play. he had been five or six when his mother had taught him. learning piano really opened up the gateway of music for him. now, music was all that he lived and breathed. it was his escape from the cruel world. ashby had no desire to be famous though, he could never handle it. he played music simply for himself.
biting down on his lip for a few seconds, he finally hoisted himself up and out of the seat and gently walked towards the stage, hopping up the steps. the moonlight entered through the tall windows, providing a little bit of light. he pulled back the dusty velvet curtain to reveal an abused looking piano. tentatively, he sat down on the bench with the cracked leather and slid open the cover. he cracked his fingers and sat there, staring at the keys in what little light he had. it was not that the light mattered or anything, he knew he could play blind. it had been so long though. maybe he lost all his talent? scared, he closed the lid on the keys and sat there, slouched over.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = STATUS: finished TAG: calix WORD COUNT: enough CREDIT: template credit to woahhh @ caution 2.0, lyrics go to bring me the horizon. NOTES:
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Post by CALIX ARTEMAS STEFANOS on Apr 23, 2010 20:37:49 GMT
Most of the time you’d find Calix in one of three places if he wasn’t in a class he was nearly forced to attend because he just…wasn’t comfortable really anywhere other than his dorm and a few select places. So if you needed to find him your best bet was first to try his dorm, he was almost always there when not in one of the other two places or his forced classes. Currently though he was in his second favorite place to be, the auditorium. He liked to sit either on the stage or out in one of the audience seats and just draw for hours whatever he saw or imaginary plays going on that only his mind could picture and his hand could draw. He’d never actually been in here when there was a performance going on, though due to his hypersomnia he’d once fallen asleep to awake groggily to the sounds of a practice at hand. He had quickly snuck out and dashed back to his dorm after that though and now knew better than to risk it when he was getting the signs of being that damned sleepy. That’s why he’d not been there the past two weeks, he’d spent a lot of that time asleep and struggling to stay awake through classes.
Now though he sat on the stage, tucked against the bare back wall looking straight ahead at the piano and running his pencil almost lovingly over the paper of his sketchpad to form the picture of the lonely instrument sitting abandoned here on the stage. He was sure it got it’s use when others were around but he wasn’t ever in the place during those times. Not that he never saw anyone, he’d come here a few times and had sketches of the different people he’d seen but not approached before in the large room. He wasn’t good at starting conversations and so normally didn’t just walk up to people to start talking or anything like that. Tonight though he watched as the curtain pulled back and a boy appeared, and oddly didn’t notice Cali sitting there on the floor against the wall. It didn’t surprise him, he wasn’t worth noticing anyway and he was sitting in the dark drawing against the dimly lit sketchpad not making much noise or many movements other than his hand and arm.
He sat a moment watching, and all of a sudden the picture he’d been working on changed from the lonely piano to one of a boy sitting at it, looking just as lonely and maybe a little lost. He bit his lip stopping for a second and flipping to a different page to see the picture he’d already drawn of him, seeing him before here in the auditorium he’d already sketched him from that time once. Can you play? he asked his own voice startling him as it cut through the silence. He hadn’t meant to ask that out loud, but now he’d gone and done it and shifting a bit he pushed up to his feet and walked over. Turning the book and pointing to the face of the boy sitting there now on a page scattered with many faces he gave a little smile. It was his way of saying he’d noticed him before, his way of saying hello he supposed because he just didn’t normally go ahead and start a conversation of his own initiative unless the person was already a friend or if he had to ask the person something.
TAGGED ** Ashby STATUS ** Finished WORDS ** 589 OUTFIT ** Click To See LYRICS ** live like we’re dying – kris allen NOTES ** teehee. CREDIT ** Made by Suzie.
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Post by ASHBY GARETH FALKNER on Apr 23, 2010 20:53:12 GMT
I REFUSE TO CLOSE MY EYES
[/color][/font] ::I HAVE LOVED, AND I HAVE LOST[/color][/font] I have turned, and I have tossed I have listened, and I have watched I've gave into this for long enough I have lost, and I have loved Sleep has stolen far too much So don't close your eyes, not just yet SLEEP IS JUST A COUSIN OF DEATH[/center] = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
quite truthfully, ashby was oblivious to his surroundings. back home, he had been so used to people ignoring him that he just ignored them back and now, it was second nature to him. also, whenever people were around, they never talked to him. during class, he never got asked to be part of a group or to be someone's partner. he was always alone. he tried to convince himself that he was better this way, but deep down, he wanted a friend. ashby knew that if he would get over his initial shyness and make effort to get himself known, he might actually get included. his therapist suggested that maybe no one ever talked to him because he gave off the impression of liking seclusion. to that statement, he remembered shrugging. he was sure she had made up that bullshit.
feeling like a failure, he put his head in his hands with his fingers entangled in his hair. all of a sudden, a voice broke the silence and his heart started to beat furiously out of surprise. ashby let his eyes scan around the auditorium until they settled on a cute looking boy who was making his way out of the shadows and over to him. shy, he looked down, biting his lip. um...well...yes. he nervously admitted. god, he was so painfully shy. he could not make it through one conversation without stuttering, stammering or saying "um." he just got so nervous around people. since i was about...five or um...six. he admitted. he was really trying hard to talk more to people.
out of politeness, he scooted over on the bench, leaving enough space for the boy. shyly, he looked down, his hair falling into his face. from what the dim light permitted, ashby could see that he was cute. he had never really talked to a boy before, well...not a cute boy anyway. he cleared his throat and looked at him, but did not make eye contact. i'm ashby.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = STATUS: finished TAG: calix WORD COUNT: enough CREDIT: template credit to woahhh @ caution 2.0, lyrics go to bring me the horizon. NOTES:
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Post by CALIX ARTEMAS STEFANOS on Apr 23, 2010 21:13:19 GMT
Calix realized maybe too late that approaching a stranger wasn’t smart around here, too many unpredictable reactions came from it though this guy didn’t seem to be about to freak out at him. Actually he seemed kind of like he was scared of him? Shy maybe? Well he knew a thing or two about being shy and shuffling his feet with drawing pencil now tucked behind an ear he gave a small smile. He was trying, he’d made the mistake of speaking and now he’d try to be friendly and nice like the doctors had told him to do. He didn’t normally listen to their advice, actually he had a habit of doing the opposite of what they told him to do simply because they had the habit of telling him to do something he really didn’t want to do. He didn’t need to be talking to everyone around him, hell he liked it better when there was only one or two people and those people normally ignored him anyway so why bother? He was a critter not a person, he’d been told that many times and the definition of critter he’d been given when he questioned it? A person who’s only meant to do as told and make master happy. Gotta love foster siblings.
His steps were slow and cautious as he walked over even though the boy didn’t seem like he was about to lash-out at him. He’d learned that believing appearances could be something that led you to getting randomly sucker-punched. While Calix didn’t mind pain because it was part of what he was used to he didn’t exactly like random punches he didn’t see coming. would you play? I haven’t…heard anyone play the piano in person. his question was soft, the admittance of not hearing it live even softer. He felt foolish asking a stranger to play the piano so he could hear it. He normally kept facts about himself to himself not giving people too much information about him because that information seemed to just make people walk away and out of his life. Course he’d just met this person and so it shouldn’t be a problem since it was just a little thing.
He held the sketch book a moment longer for Ashby to see his own face and felt a smile come to his lips at seeing the space provided for if he chose to sit. He’d not been around anyone today and it bothered him a little sometimes so he took the seat sitting so that he was nearly on the edge not wanting to crowd the other as he pulled the book back to his chest hugging it a little feeling nervous now that he was sat there. Calix watched him out of the corner of his eyes while studying the keys of the piano. He was cute and Cali could admit that, when he turned to look at him Calix turned his head a little to see but not meet eyes with as Ashby seemed uncomfortable with it. I’m Calix…if…if you want me to leave I can I just…I was just drawing I can leave.
TAGGED ** Ashby STATUS ** Finished WORDS ** there's a few xP OUTFIT ** Click To See LYRICS ** live like we’re dying – kris allen NOTES ** teehee. CREDIT ** Made by Suzie.
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Post by ASHBY GARETH FALKNER on Apr 23, 2010 21:28:48 GMT
I REFUSE TO CLOSE MY EYES
[/color][/font] ::I HAVE LOVED, AND I HAVE LOST[/color][/font] I have turned, and I have tossed I have listened, and I have watched I've gave into this for long enough I have lost, and I have loved Sleep has stolen far too much So don't close your eyes, not just yet SLEEP IS JUST A COUSIN OF DEATH[/center] = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
instead of rebelling against his therapist, ashby worked hand in hand with her. he wanted to get better. he wanted to make friends, think about his mom without becoming so depressed, and be able to block his father and all the bad things he did to him out of his head. it was so hard for him though because like everyone here, he was broken. if there was something that ashby wasn't, it would be angry and violent. he was probably the most calm and peaceful person one could ever meet. he hated confrontation and would always run away from him. so, why would he ever start something? back at school, he got beat up a lot, he would never intentionally hurt someone here. he knew that he did not have it in him. if he ever punched someone, he would probably bawl his eyes out afterwards. yeah, he was that sensitive. but can you expect from a boy who was raised by his momma?
clearing his throat, ashby tried to speak but no words came out. he peaked at the boy from beneath his hair. he decided that he could be honest with him. i...i don't know if i can. i always play on my piano. he confessed, hoping he did not sound like some sort of spoiled brat. ashby knew that he should give it a try, but with the boy here, he was even more nervous. his hands were starting to shake and his palms were sweaty. he shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at the lid that covered the keys, then he looked at the boy. i haven't played in awhile...what if...what if i am, you know, horrible? ashby kind of muttered. he was so afraid of embarrassing himself in front of this cute boy.
god, he was cute. so cute, that ashby blushed and had to look away. thank god it was dimly lit in the auditorium. seeing him smile made ashby smile. it was a slow arriving smile and quite slow, but it was one nonetheless. when he sat down beside him, his insides clenched and his heart fluttered. now, he was even more nervous. he could feel his body heat on him, even though the boy was doing his best to give him space. he must have one ass cheek on the seat then and for that, ashby frowned. you can uh, come closer. i don't bite... he said softly, with a sweet smile. wow, this talking thing wasn't so bad if it was done with nice people. he touched calix's hand when he said he could leave. stay he gently commanded. may i...uh...see? he gestured to the sketch book. if he was going to play for him then he should at least see calix's drawings.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = STATUS: finished TAG: calix WORD COUNT: enough CREDIT: template credit to woahhh @ caution 2.0, lyrics go to bring me the horizon. NOTES:
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Post by CALIX ARTEMAS STEFANOS on Apr 23, 2010 21:50:21 GMT
Calix didn’t see any hope in the future for him to become “Normal” or happy, he didn’t see himself being like everyone else and wandering around outside or being happy in crowds. He just knew himself well enough to know that he’d never be comfortable in those situations and that forcing himself would only lead to panic attacks and rage blackouts. The conditions that showed least often were his exhibitionism and the sadomasochism. Two terms he hated hearing when people talked about him because he could fight those best of all urges and thought they were “under control” really. The others were harder to fight and some he didn’t even see coming like the rage…that was what scared him most about himself, he never saw it coming and it was bad when it did.
He heard the boy clear his throat and waited for an answer, patient and quiet but not scared. Oddly he didn’t feel really any fear for this boy now that he was talking to him, he didn’t put out the vibes that made Calix feel like running for cover or like he should be keeping a distance. He’d gotten in trouble listening to that instinct before but he had some hope left in him that maybe he’d be right sometime. The answer he got made him bite his lip a little thoughtfully and nod. is it different than this one? is that what makes it hard? he asked softly. He didn’t know much about piano’s so he didn’t know if maybe they were totally different depending on which one you were using. He caught the movement of Ashby pushing his hands into his pockets and turned his head fully to look at him when he heard the question asked about being horrible. well…I’ve only heard piano recordings before, and not many…I wouldn’t know if you did? he said trying to lighten the boy’s mood a bit and fighting that “cuddle” instinct he had when it seemed people were scared or worried. He didn’t know him well enough to just reach out and give a cuddle, I don’t think you’d be horrible…I don’t think you forget something like playing a piano? Kinda like riding a bike? he’d never ridden a bike but he knew and understood the expression enough to use it.
In the faint light filtered through the windows into the auditorium he saw Ashby’s skin darken and felt his own respond. That was one thing he didn’t like about himself, his way of reacting in like to others reactions like if someone was scared he felt scared, embarrassed he’d feel the blush himself, happy though he didn’t mind since feeling happy was a good thing. He was glad to see the boy smile, it looked good on his lips and made Calix’s own smile grow just a little in joy of having earned a smile. He was a people pleaser, making others happy was part of what made Cali happy and so it was a good thing to get a smile. The comment about how he could move closer led to his blush deepening as he shifted his eyes to the piano in front of them, it had nothing to do with responding to Ashby’s blush this time. I didn’t…well I mean I didn’t think you would I just…people get mad when you get in their space normally without them asking you to. he mumbled his voice soft as he scooched a bit further onto the piano stool so he was sitting on it properly now. The touch to his hand had his eyes swinging back to Ashby’s face as he nodded once again worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. alright… was the whispered response knowing leaving would make him mad and having people mad at him was something Calix didn’t like…he didn’t handle it well. He nodded to the question, not ashamed of showing his art to people as he held out the sketchbook to him. His art was one thing Cali was proud of in himself, that ability to capture a moment with only his pencil and book. sure…some aren’t finished though… like the one on the last used page that held the piano they sat at and the outline of Ashby but not the proper shading and detail.
TAGGED ** Ashby STATUS ** Finished WORDS ** there’s a few xP OUTFIT ** Click To See LYRICS ** live like we’re dying – kris allen NOTES ** teehee. CREDIT ** Made by Suzie.
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Post by ASHBY GARETH FALKNER on Apr 23, 2010 22:07:12 GMT
I REFUSE TO CLOSE MY EYES
[/color][/font] ::I HAVE LOVED, AND I HAVE LOST[/color][/font] I have turned, and I have tossed I have listened, and I have watched I've gave into this for long enough I have lost, and I have loved Sleep has stolen far too much So don't close your eyes, not just yet SLEEP IS JUST A COUSIN OF DEATH[/center] = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
ashby would never allow himself to be defined as normal, especially after his mother raised him on the belief that being different was best. he did not have a problem with himself really. he did not harm himself and he never tried to himself - though he did think about it once or twice. he just wanted to control his depression and get over his shyness. he also wanted to forget about being raped and abused by his father, but that was something he didn't think would easily go away. it was also something that he hadn't told anyone about.
no... he said softly, shaking his head. it's more of a...comfort issue... he said slowly. he loved his piano because it was special to him. it was his mother's and she had given it to him before she passed away. it was back home with his father and step mother and he was so worried they would get rid of it because it clashed with the design they had for the living room. if his father got rid of it, ashby did not know what he would do. his father may be cruel and evil, but he had loved his mother, so he did not think he would get rid of any of her prized possessions. ashby looked at him, offering a smile at the attempt at mood lightening. if i was horrible enough, you would know...
comparing playing piano to riding a bike was a comparison he had never thought of before. ashby smiled at calix and his cleverness. slowly, he lifted the lid off the keys. gently, his fingers ran across them as if they were acquainting themselves with a knew friend. the keys were cool and smooth and felt wonderful on his fingertips. with a song in his head, he prepared himself, pretty much forgetting that calix was there. that's how deeply involved he got into his music. with eyes close, he started playing "fireflies" by owl city. he could have sung it too, but he held back. instead, he kind of whispered the words softly to himself.
ah, true...i guess i can't blame you for being so...hesitant. he responded. ashby hadn't meant to touch his hand. it had been a brief reflex. he never ever touched anyone. he was so unused to physical contact of any sort that he was surprised he actually initiated any with a person he just met. feeling embarrassed, he looked away again. ashby hoped that he wasn't making calix feel obligated to stay. he just...wanted some company. happily, ashby grabbed the book when cali said he didn't mind. he flipped through the art with a smile on his face, it was wonderful. then he got to the last drawing. he looked at it hard, and felt his heart drop. he looked at calix. is that...me? he whispered, shyly.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = STATUS: finished TAG: calix WORD COUNT: enough CREDIT: template credit to woahhh @ caution 2.0, lyrics go to bring me the horizon. NOTES:
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Post by CALIX ARTEMAS STEFANOS on Apr 23, 2010 22:33:42 GMT
Calix wondered if maybe instead of being normal he could live his life “unique” and try just a little to avoid that turning into “freak” rather than just being another kid with problems. He did alright for the life he’d been handed with parents who didn’t want him soon as they realized something was wrong with him and then foster parents who tried to help a little but let the worst possible thing happen right under their noses because they wouldn’t open their eyes. Sometimes he wondered if his parents had tried again, attempted another kid that would be “right” rather than all wrong like Cali had become. He couldn’t remember them so well, his mind often choosing to forget them entirely just to drive him crazy. He didn’t have any pictures, and had never been able to draw them. On a rare day where he had thought he could remember what they looked like he’d been unable to put pencil to paper and make that image stick. It was frustrating but most days he didn’t care what they looked like anyway since they were just people who dropped him, like the foster family had dropped him in here when they’d realized he was getting worse. Family, friends, and the people he thought loved him, though really they just used and abused him, always left…always.
He nodded and looked at the piano then around the room feeling a little nervous that maybe he was part of the reason Ashby was uncomfortable playing it? would it be better if you um…closed your eyes and pictured the other piano? Or if I went out of sight? he asked softly. He would really love it if Ashby would play, he loved music but didn’t ever hear it in person normally. He couldn’t stand the crowds that came with concerts and performances and normally such things were held in big rooms or even outside making it even worse. If the other boy didn’t want to play though he wouldn’t push, he was knew better than to push his luck, and so far he’d been lucky the boy didn’t tell him to go away or hit him or something along those lines. He shook his head smiling as Ashby spoke, no probably not…I’m not musically inclined? I can draw…but music has never been something I know much about in truth other than to listen to a song and know the name and artist. he admitted watched the smile touch Ashby’s lips again before he seemed to consider the option of playing. Calix watched as he brushed his fingers along the keys and knew he’d be drawing that later.
When the music began he closed his eyes slowly just to listen to the wonderful sound of it the smile on his lips never leaving as he took in the sound. It was wonderful, and much better than listening to it on a recording, he never wanted it to end. He heard whispering but didn’t want to lose his focus on the piano’s sounds to focus too hard on it, it sounded a little like maybe the other boy knew the words to the song being played? That would be nice, to be able to make whatever song you wanted to hear come to life without having to own the cd or download it or something. The others voice had his eyes opening and focusing again with a little nod, sorry… he mumbled feeling bad now for some reason. It seemed his reaction to it had been wrong or something since the other boy was looking away. He wondered what he’d done, didn’t want to repeat it if it was bad. When he took the sketch book though he watched Ashby’s face, curious to see if his emotions toward the pictures would play across his face like they did with some other people. It was the last picture that seemed to get the most attention though and he fidgeted a little biting his lip and nodding. yeah..i was drawing the piano…and you sat so I added you…I’m sorry I hope…well I hope you don’t mind…you can take it if you want I won’t recreate it if you don’t want me drawing you… he mumbled his voice soft and a little worried. He was afraid Ashby was one of the ones who didn’t want him drawing them, he’d met people who’d been bothered by his random use of them in his pictures. It was hard though not to use what he saw around him since he had the photographic memory. Thinking up something wasn’t as interesting as drawing what was real for Calix.
TAGGED ** Ashby STATUS ** Finished WORDS ** there’s a few xP OUTFIT ** Click To See LYRICS ** live like we’re dying – kris allen NOTES ** SONG WIN! I <3 that one!. CREDIT ** Made by Suzie.
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