WAKEUP! // CALLA!!

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if the children don’t GROW UP
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get TORN UP

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"Happy, whole, und healthy.."

Ebeline had stayed awake for two days and night now, and felt like she was about to fall asleep eating her lunch. Her therapist had had her come up with something to tell herself when she felt down, or alone, or any other time that she wasn’t happy. So she’d tell herself ‘Happy, whole, and healthy’ and take a deep breath, and keep on going. So far, it sucked. She’d stop, in the middle of her day, and wish to do nothing more than curl up and cry. But she couldn’t. She wasn’t allowed to cry unless she had a good reason- which wasn’t crying for self pity- so she was forced to be fake. Which Ebeline personally hated, if she was sad, she’d be sad, if she was happy, everyone would know, and if she was angry… Well, it was obvious to all. But now she had to paste a smile on her face and fake her way through the day, hide her insanity, otherwise she would keep her in this hell hole forever.

It wasn’t fulfilling the mantra. She wanted to naturally be happy, to find it herself and be smiling because she wanted to, not because she felt she had to. Ebeline supposed it didn't help that she spent a majority of time hulled up in her dorm room, except for therapy and ventures out for food. That's where she was now, in the Asylum's famous cafeteria, quietly munching on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. A tall glass of apple juice came with the meal (with bendy straw, holyfuckshit!) along with some packaged oreos. Her newly bought pack of cigarettes sat on the table beside her lunch tray. Maybe the lunch lady wouldn't mind if she had a smoke indoors?

She had no friends. It wasn’t a new realization, an old one that had spurred her on towards being depressed in the first place. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to have friends, it was just that no one seemed to want to talk to her. Maybe it was the thick German accent. Her mother had assured her before she left for the states, that Americans were attracted to foreigner and would accept her. Riiiiiiight. She’d try to start up a conversation with some kids in group therapy the other day, but she didn’t know what to say after ‘Hallo’. She felt that everyone judged her, looked through her somehow and found her different and unworthy, just another nerd.

we’re just a million little god’s causin rain storms
turnin’ every good thing to rust

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