Life Is Worth Losing (Willa)

[RILEY JAMES TYLER]

Time stood still in this place. Minutes seemed like hours, hours like days, days like months...It never seemed to end. It was like he was staring a clock that continued to tick but it never went anywhere or led to anything. Four years he had rotted away in here, and what did he have to show for it? More track marks than he could count and pain wracking his body at all hours with a self-induced detox program that he was already regretting. He kenw there was a reason behind it, that he was doing it for his sister, but honestly, was it worth this much pain and suffering? He had his doubts. And that morphine...he would kill right now to get some of that into his system. He hated to feel. He wanted to be empty like the morphine offered, like nothing really mattered. Life seemed easier that way.

This was not the first time he had found himself in this position, one of hopleless that threatened to drown him. Last time had been in the form of a needle, something he usually deemed as his friend and almost a lover with how good it made him feel, but he had not succeeded. Now he was sitting in the basement, that dark abyss that most avoided but he lurked in like a shadow himself. Riley liked it down there. It was cool and dark and he could just sit and be. He liked the dark.

Not that it mattered much right now. He had broken down and he could feel the heroin coursing through his system as he sat there, blade in hand, playing with it between long fingers. Liam, always present, sat next to him, shaking his head in disappointment. "I can't believe you did this," he muttered, and Riley merely shrugged, feeling weak. Liam got to his feet with a huff. "Where are you going?" Riley asked, looking up, vision slightly blurred. "I'm going to get some help," Liam said, disappearing up the hall and into the blackness.

Riley looked back at the floor. It was very dim lightening down here, but that did not stop his eyes from taking in the dark puddle forming along his jeans and in the dirt at his feet. His wrists throbbed where the blade had kissed them, splitting the skin and allowing the streams to burst forth. It was almost pretty, he thought, cocking his head to the side and watching the blood dribble down his hands and into the dirt and onto the stone on the floor. He swallowed hard, blinking to keep concious, but not for much longer. He was done fighting.

[WHILEMINA JAIDEN BROOKES]

Willa had been upstairs on her bed, her eyes closed and her body aching. God she was sore, not from the sex though...from the detox. That four years of drugs leaving her body, four years of track marks and blade marks and self loathing. Suddenly somethign snapped. The cut marks on her arm burnt a bit, as if someone was trying to tell her something. She shot up, her eyes searching for him, praying her gut was lying. She slid off the bed, into her shoes, pulling one of his t-shirts on out of habit. Where was he? She checked the first place she knew he'd be, the basement.

And then she saw him, he looked so weak...blood was leaving his body the way it had been leaving hers not ten days ago. She gasped, tears jumping to her eyes. "R-ri-riley?" she breathed. She hardly needed confirmation, she'd know him anywhere. Her eyes scanned the room, where were the couples that normally pressed against the walls? Of course he'd have cleared then out. She rushed to his side, taking his hand into hers, "Riley James Tyler what where you thinking?" she asked quietly, kissing his neck then his lips, despite the sweat and blood that lingered on his skin.

She looked around for somethign to stop the bleeding, and upon finding nothing, peeled his shirt off her body and began to rip it. "Don't you dare make a joke, say anything witty about my ripping your shirt, or even speak for that matter" she snapped, though she hadn't honestly ment the last part. She closed her eyes and started putting the shreds of cloth around his arms, hopefully that would stop the bleeding long enough for her to hurry him to the infirmary, she no longer minded that she was left in only a bra and her underwear, he was all she saw right now. Broken and bloodied and completely helpless, never useless though. "Riley...listen to me...dont you DARE close your eyes."

[RILEY JAMES TYLER]

He was slightly worried about Willa, but honestly, she would find someone else and he would be forgotten in a couple of months. He was just another number in this place, another patient and nothing more. They didn't see anyone here as people, and he could understand why. they were all monsters in their own way, and right now he was done. He had been done for a long time, but tonight...it had been overwhelming. He simply could not do it anymore. He didn't want to.

Footsteps reached his ears, making him look up, squinting in the darkness and trying to get his eyes to focus. Willa had found him. Damn, he had hoped she wouldn't. He didn't want her to see him like this and he didn't want her to stop it from happening. Riley blinked as she kneeled down beside him, telling him to keep his mouth shut and not fight her before ripping off her shirt--his shirt, actually--and tearing it up, trying to wrap it around his arms. Riley tried to move his arms away, to fight her off, but he didn't have the energy, and so he gave up, defeated.

"Don't," he said, trying to push her hands away but knowing it would do no good. He just wanted to close his eyes and go to sleep and not wake up, but apparently she had it in for him. He actually felt a tinge of annoyance at that. "I'm tired," he mumbled, as though that explained everything.

[WHILEMINA JAIDEN BROOKES]

She couldn't believe him! of all things he was telling her to stop. Did he not realize how much he meant to her? She didn't care if he thought himself a monster, she didn't care that each and everyone of them where just numbers to the staff. To her he was Riley. The first man to have her, the first man she'd even considered falling for, the first man to kiss her, to care for her. The first man she'd wanted to hold her every night. She hadn't slept, eaten, or even tried to ween herself off drugs in ages. And yet he'd convinced her in a matter of minutes it was the right thing.

She whimpered lightly, tying the cloth tight and slapping him hard against the face, "Riley Don't you DARE leave me here. You promised Damnit. You PROMISED you wouldn't leave me here...that you wouldn't forget about me" She bit her lip hard, tying the last strand around his arm and pulling his head close enough so that she could kiss him, hopefully hard enough to keep him awake.

She pushed herself off the ground and looked for someone to help her, when she saw no one she sighed. She pulled hard on the mad that was six years older and a hell of allot heavier and tried to carry him. Her legs shook a bit under the weight but she tried, the stick wasn't beaten that easily. She managed to get him upstairs before she had to set him down, and by that time, she spotted a wheelchair. Who's chair? She wasn't sure. Did she care? Not in the slightest. Fuck the cripple who'd left the chair there for the red head to find. She slipped him into the chair and pushed quickly to the infirmary.

[RILEY JAMES TYLER]

He genuinely cared for Willa, and that was saying something. Riley had always been a true Darwinian, always sticking out for himself and hardly anyone else. However, when he made a friend, it was for life, and Willa was top of the list right now. Maybe even more, but that scared the fuck out of him. Opening up, letting someone in like that...it was terrifying on a level for him that most could not begin to imagine. But she had done it, and now she had to see him like this. Why couldn't she have just stayed away for ten more minutes while he silently bled out? Then she would just have to see his corpse, if that, and that would be the end of it. He had done this for himself, not to hurt her.

He winced when she slapped his face, making his eyes focus again. The red of his blood shone out like a becon against his increasingly pale skin, and he knew he didn't have long. Good, that's what he wanted. Why didn't she see that? "I didn't forget about you," he said, his words slightly slurred. She kissed him, hard on the mouth, once again forcing him to stay awake.

Groaning, Riley very reluctantly got to his feet, mostly because of her pulling on his arm and focing him to his feet. He stumbled along with her, a good deal taller and a hell of a lot heavier than she was, and had he been in any state of mind worth being in he might feel sorry for her, having to do this and cart him around, but right now he was drifting in and out of conciousness. He was aware of her sitting him down in something...ah, a wheelchair. His head lolled on his shoulder as she pushed him into the infirmary, where he was taken over immediately by the nurses of the facility. He was not their first suicide attempt and he would not be their last.

[WHILEMINA JAIDEN BROOKES]

To say willy was heartbroken would be an understatement. "You clearly did Riley" she said quietly, "You planned on leaving me here to rot alone." she felt selfish saying those things, but it was true. He'd forgotten about her long enough to try and kill himself. She watched as the nurses took him from her. And that was it. All she could do was sit on her ass and pray to a god she'd never believe in that the only man that ever meant anything to her survived.

She made her way to the waiting room, crossing her legs underneath her as they took him. She felt her small body being shaken by both Detox and sobbing. She needed him, didn't he see that? She didn't have anyone anywhere in this world that she needed as much as she did him. Fuck, she could drop off the face of this planet and he'd be the only one to notice...though now she was starting to doubt that too.


She ran her fingers through her red hair as the nurses came back. His wounds had looked worse outright because of the amount of blood loss, she'd done the right thing, she'd heard the same things a million times. She knew she'd done the right thing cause she'd watched people save her life before. She'd absently been re-oppening one of her scars and the nurse slapped her hand away. He was in recovery, she could go see him. Did she want to? No. But she did at the same time. She...she was falling for Riley that was for sure. And it scared her. She didn't want to trust him, to want him. She pushed herself up off the chair and walked into the room. She sat across from him, took hsi hand into hers and resumed her crying.

[RILEY JAMES TYLER]

He had nothing to say to that. He was stunned into silence, and too far gone to say much that would make sense anyway. With every beat of his heart he could feel his life being squeezed from his body. He had never been afraid of death, and obviously for him it was a better way to be than alive in his current state. But that meant leaving Willa. He had been selfish, he knew that much. He had just been so desperate to free himself, to not feel pain for once in his life, that he had forgotten about everyone that mattered to him, which was a very short list indeed, and Willa was one of those on the top.

Riley was unaware of anything going on as soon as he got into the infirmary. He knew only darkness, and for him that was his goal. His body slumped, he didn't feel pain...he was happy. Until he felt someone grab his hand, and his arms throbbing in pain where he had taken the razor to him in an attempt to pretty much butcher himself. Slowly, he opened his eyes, looking down at his arms, which were now heavily bandaged, slowly looking at the hand that was currently holding his and then following it up to the sobbing face of Willa.

Fuck.

Feeling very weak, Riley attempted to push himself up so he was sitting, but he failed, slumping back onto his hospital bed. He squeezed her fingers in his own, wincing from the pain but not showing anything more than that. "Willa?" he croaked. "Will...don't cry."

[WHILEMINA JAIDEN BROOKES]

Whilemina hadn't meant to wake him so soon, her puffy eyes met his and she smiled a little. She tried to stop crying, rubbing her brown orbs she sighed, "Oh god..." she put her head on his bed, clutchign his hand a little tighter then she'd intended. "Your alive" she breathed. And really she didn't care abotu anything else. She wasn't angry, she wasn't upset, she was relieved. Relieved she'd get another day with him, even just as his friend. She pushed the bedrail down further and crawled into his bed without asking. She leaned up and kissed him hard, still crying just a bit.

"Riley James Tyler If you EVER try to kill yourself again..." she whispered, her lips still pressed firm against his. What could she threaten? What was worse then death? She smiled lightly against his lips, "I'll castrate you" she teased, not that he'd need it when he was dead anyway. But she didn't mind cracking a joke. Willy was low maintenance so the very fact he'd pulled through had been enough. "Riley dont ever do that to me again, babe" she whispered, curling up a little and putting her head between his arm and his body, not wanting to hurt him.

She was sure he'd be angry, sure he'd hate her for saving him, but she didn't care. She was happy he was alive. To live in a world where she knew Riley wasn't because she hadn't saved him would be...unbearable. She winced at the very thought, looking up into his eyes, "I...Dont...Ever again." she repeated, though much more slurred.

[RILEY JAMES TYLER]

Yes, he was alive, both where he wanted to be and where he dreaded living in again. He winced again as she gripped his hand harder, looking relieved that he was alive. He must have been pretty far gone for her to be that relieved to see his eyes opened. He was a little annoyed that she had intervened, but then again he could vaguely remember her accusing him of leaving her, and he had promised. He had had a lapse in judgement, he had wanted to get a little freedom for once. But now, he knew that he couldn't. For whatever reason, she was counting on him, and Riley was not one to go back on his promises if he could help it.

Her lips pressed against his with an unfinished threat. Riley met her kiss, half-heartedly from his lack of energy. As if she would castrate him to begin with, and even if she did he would be dead and no use to anyone anyway, but at least she was attempting some humor, even if he was not much in the mood just yet. He was still trying to figure out exactly what had happened. The funny thing about blood loss was that he was high at the time, making his brain even more sluggish than usual.

She put the bar on the side down and crawled up into his bed with him, making sure to avoid his arms. Riley was still slightly out of it, not to mention confused. He thought she would be furious with him to the point of never wanting to speak to him again, but here she was, curled up next to him and kissing him. He laid his head back on his pillow, blinking to keep awake. "I'm sorry."

[WHILEMINA JAIDEN BROOKES]

She could tell he was confused. She lifted her weary eyes to his and sighed, "I can't be angry at you, Riley." she said finally. "Your alive. And...thats all that matters to me." she blushed a little bit as she tried to explain it without scaring him. "I thought i lost you, ri...I walked downstairs cause...something told me to...and you looked dead." She thought back to earlier that day when the blond woman had been dry heaving she'd been so worried about her boyfriend or husband or whatever he was to her, thats how sick she'd felt. "You dont get it Riley...With me your not just a number, a last name, another wackjob. Your not just another man, another penis, another kiss. Your Riley. Your special to me." she blushed even deeper by the end of this, looking down at her hands quietly. "And...and...i really like you."

She squirmed a little on the bed, keeping as close to him as she could without hurting him, "Just rest though, Ri." she whispered, looking up again and touching his cheek with her hand. "Your tired. You lost more blood then you should have..." she looked down at herself, realizing she was still topless. She pulled the blankets up over both of them, "So just sleep. Let youself recover. I need my Riley."

She smiled half heartedly at him, looking around the room in silence. "Some day we'll get out of here, Ri. Someday you won't hurt. I promise. i'll make sure you dont if its the last thing i ever do"

[RILEY JAMES TYLER]

Something told her to walk down the stairs to the basement? He had no idea what that something was, but it was almost like some pull or something driving her to him...and he was not sure how he felt about that. He had been alone all of his life, keeping a girl around long enough to sleep with her, maybe making a friend that would become nothing more than another fuck-buddie, but this....this was different. He knew it, she knew it, and he was terribly confused about it. Any other time he thought a girl might be ineterested in him as more than whatever he was comfortable with, he split, cut all ties, and went out in search of a new one to take her place. Not with Willa, though. No, she was completely different from anyone else he had ever been with. Maybe he had lost more blood than he thought...

"You like me?" he croaked, looking down at her as best he could. Now that had not been completely unexpected. In fact that was pretty much obvious. Now it was how he felt about her that really mattered, and admitting it was going to be almost impossible for him. The truth was, he liked her too. More than he should have. She pulled the blankets up, curling into him again under the blankets.

She was bossing him around, which almost made him smile. If anyone else would have tried that he would have told them to fuck off and hit them. She was lucky she got away with so much... "Don't make a promise you can't keep," he said quietly.

[WHILEMINA JAIDEN BROOKES]

She'd wondered herself who had been edging her to go find him, was it just her urge to be loved or was it something more? Why did she feel so drawn to riley? She knew it was more then just the sex, and that part scared her. But she didn't hide her emotions well. She downcast her eyes and nodded slowly, "I really like you to be honest." she said finally, kissing his jawline. "And i know that scares you. And i promised i'd be patient and i will.." She moved her lips to his neck and left them to linger there. "but if you want to tell me now that cool too" she teased.

She knew part of Riley liked her, she could tell by the way he got jealous at the prospect of someone else inside her tiny little body, and that thought excited her. Maybe she had a chance with him. Maybe he'd love her someday and she'd be more then just an outcast druggie. Shivers wracked her body as she thought of drugs, her distraction gone. God she hurt. Her entire body ached and longed for the sweet escape that was so close to her. She coughed a little to keep from gagging, "I really wish I could smoke right now" she cursed, running her fingers through her bright red hair.

She looked up at him, the tone of his voice startling her mildly. He was giving into her...finally. "Babe...I don't make promises i can't keep. Someday you won't hurt. i'll make sure of it. If i have to tie you down and fuck you until you've completely detoxed" She teased, wrapping her arm around him. "Ri...y-you mean allot to me. I dont like you hurting like this."

[RILEY JAMES TYLER]

The sex was great, there was no doubt about that. But he knew that even if they weren't sleep together he would still be spending his time with and around her. And that thought scared him more than even the thought of never breathing again. To know that he was falling for someone when he never thought he could, when he had vowed to hismelf that he never would, was horrifying. Riley swallowed hard, fighting back the horror rising inside of him as well as the pain. She kissed his jawline and his neck as he stared at the ceiling mullishly. "I like you too," he admitted quietly, unable to believe himself. God, he was a putz....

He could have cried he was so furious with himself. He was in pain and he was falling for someone. Not an hour ago he had been ready to just end it all and finally find some peace in his life, but he was still here and he could see that it was not going to change any time soon. He should have been angry with her for making him live, for forcing him to fight more when he was so ready to give up, but he didn't. He didn't hate her and he wasn't angry. "I had some cigarettes in my pocket," he muttered. His clothes were laying on a chair nearby since he had been changed into a hospital gown while he was out.

Riley blinked, still looking at the ceiling. "Why can't it be now?" he finally asked. Twenty years he had been suffering, and he was done. But she was promising him, and for whatever reason he wanted to believe her. "I hate seeing you suffer just because of me."

[WHILEMINA JAIDEN BROOKES]

Whilly felt her cheeks grow warmer, had he said it? Or was she hearing things. She looked up to him, resting her head lightly on his chest, "You do?" she asked dumbfounded. She didn't think she could believe it. HE liked HER? Why? she liked him because he was...well it was obvious he was an amazing guy. But she was nothing but...well...Willa. She ran her fingers through his dishevelled hair, "Im not sure i like this look unless im the one who gives it to you" she teased half heartedly.

"Do you hate me?" she asked quietly. She noticed the robe was slightly too high on his body and pulled it down enough to cover him. "Cause...i know i was being selfish. I know how hard it is to want to live after you've tried to die." she absently felt her hands move to the scar along her stomach, her eyes had sort of glazed over at the memory. Knife in hand she'd been determined to end it all, the mockery, the teasing, all of it. She'd dug the knife as deep as her shaking hands would allow, hoping to hit something vital. But she'd missed. And instead of bleeding out like she'd hoped, they'd saved her life and shipped her here. Where here was she didn't know, all she knew was that it seemed to be an almost pathetic excuse for a town.

She was shaking by the time she'd relived the flashback, both from her detoxing, the fear of todays events, and the pain the memory had induced. She put her head back on his chest, her anxiety had gotten mildly better, but it was still ever present in her mind. She'd just learned to voice it less around him. "i'll pass" she said hesitantly, a cigarette sounded so good. But that would mean leaving him alone, and that was something she wasn't prepared to do.

And then he asked the question Mina wasn't sure how to answer. "B-because..." she said slowly, "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger" She nodded and kissed his neck, "Your strong because of this war, and strong men are sexy" She was clearly trying to make him smile, to edge him closer to the side of life she wanted him on, the side where he wanted to live and not die. "Because your Riley, the man who doesn't give up even when he really wants to because he cares about his baby sister." She said with all seriousness, resting her lips on his.

[RILEY JAMES TYLER]

What was wrong with him? Never before he had let some girl get to him like this. She was a good deal younger than he was, nothing more than something to play with and get his rocks off when he was bored and needed to get laid...or so he had thought. Now here she was in his hospital bed, the sole reason he was still alive at all, and he almost wanted to thank her. Almost. Riley simply nodded at her question. Yes, he liked her, damn it all.

He ran a hand through his hair. He was sure he looked like a mess, but he did not care. Ever since he had gotten here he had not tried to keep up apppearances as much as he had when he was out in the real world. Here, what did it mattered if he showered everday or cut his hair regularly or even washed it all of the time? Hell, even shaving had seemed more of a chore than ever lately. "No, I'm not mad," he said truthfully. Maybe disappointed, but not mad.

Riley frowned, turning from staring at the ceiling to looking at her instead. She was shaking...but why? He knew her body so well, almost as well as his own at this point, and he knew all of her scars. He just never knew where they came from. "What is it?" he asked quietly.

He shook his head, feeling the need to howl and scream rising inside of him. He was not strong, he was not brave...he had no idea where she was getting those images of him from because she was certainly skewed in her image of him, like she was looking at him through a convex mirror. And at the mention of McKenna, he lost it. He blinked back tears with great difficulty, not looking at her. She was going to be so upset when she found out....