Post by XYLANDER THOMAS PAGONIS on May 18, 2010 9:22:30 GMT
XYLANDER T. PAGONIS
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head, Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways, If I don't give you up now
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HAI THURRR~ MY NAME IS T-RIX and I HOPE YOU KNOW ME BY NOW?
• • • • • • • • • • • •
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head, Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways, If I don't give you up now
• • • • • • • • • • • •
HAI THURRR~ MY NAME IS T-RIX and I HOPE YOU KNOW ME BY NOW?
• • • • • • • • • • • •
[/b] Xylander Thomas Pagonis* / FULL NAME
* / NICKNAMES[/b] Xy, Lan, Der, Xyl, Xylan, Paggy
* / AGE[/b] Twenty One
* / GENDER[/b] hermaphrodite (claims male more often than female)
* / SEXUALITY[/b] Bisexual?
* / MEMBER GROUP[/b] Nobody
* / CONDITIONS[/b]
- Schizophrenia – I hear voices, they’re always talking and it’s not always nice or funny. This is why Benny left me here, he was tired of me “talking to myself” or how the voices made me feel and act.
- Paranoia – the voices say you’re out to get me…I’ve known them longer than I’ve known you.
- Self-Mutilation/Suicidal – when I hurt they stop talking sometimes…and if I die they’ll be quiet forever
- Depression – wasn’t depressed till Benny dropped me here like old news…but god it hurts all the time
- Gender-Confusion – I’m not confused, I’m both in different ways…though dad wanted a boy.
* / FACE CLAIM[/b] alex mckee
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[/b]* / LIKES
* / DISLIKES[/b]
* / POSITIVE TRAITS[/b]
* / NEGATIVE TRAITS[/b]
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[/b] not far from here* / HOMETOWN
* / PARENTS[/b] Heather Pagonis - dead
Donald Pagonis – 45
* / SIBLINGS[/b] none
* / OTHER FAMILY[/b] Benjamin Ryan Brown
* / HISTORY[/b]
Xylander was born on March 16th, it was a cold morning and the happy parents were beyond shocked. They’d been told they were having a son, obvious reasons and all but what they found when Xylan was born was that he was not just male, but female in a way also. Intersex was what they called Xylan, Hermaphrodite was the correct term. Donald was furious that his “son” was a freak and against his wife’s choice to wait and rethink their plans on a name he forced the issue. He would have his son and he would make sure of that no matter what. Xylander Thomas Pagonis was the name given but for gender on the birth-certificate it was not so simple, he could not win that argument and his son was listed as both. The fighting between parents started that day and continued as Xylan grew up. His mother wanted Xylan to make the choice for his or herself which was right, and his father wanted to hear nothing more of his son’s embarrassing extra bits and choice of being male or female. By the age of five the boy was further confused, and starting kindergarten did not help at all in clearing it. He wanted to be pretty like the girls in his class but already understood that it was forbidden to be so. His father wouldn’t allow it.
6, 7, 8, 9, & 10 years old.
These years he learned just how much his father was willing to do to make sure he had his son, and didn’t ever want to mess up as bad as he had the first time ever again. He’d gone shopping with his mother, and had asked her if he could buy girls clothes too since she’d always told him it was his choice which to be. She’d happily allowed Xylan to pick out a few outfits to buy and had even done some make up for her to do a “runway” show before dad got home. Only problem was dad came home early and blew a gasket at the sight that greeted him walking into his home. His son was dressed as a girl with makeup and all doing a fashion show and singing loudly along with the song playing while Alice laughed and sang along. The clothes had been burned soon as Donald had stopped yelling and makeup became a forbidden item in the house even for his wife. This started up a whole new argument and ended in a trip to the doctors to find a way to “end” this need for girly items. There were pills that had been mentioned during one of the many discussions with doctors, testosterone was the choice his father made to end the girly side of him once and for all and soon after he began the routine of taking them daily. It wouldn’t make him fully male or even work “fast” because the pills were lower dose than shots but it would set him down the “right” path.
11, 12, 13, 14, & 15 years old.
Middle school was full of teasing on days where Xylan’s pills were forgotten and fights when his mother refused to let him have them to piss off his dad. He’d become a pawn in a war now not a person and not their son/daughter. They were ready to fight always and they would use him to kick it off because he was the reason things were “messed up” in their lives. He hated hearing the fights, hated hearing that he was the problem, and hated when his mother came into his room after with tears in her eyes telling him how sorry she was that the choice would never be his to make and that he was the one good thing in her life. He didn’t want them to fight and didn’t want them to hate each other because of him. He’d heard rumors from kids in his classes about “cutting” and by his first year of high school he’d tried it a few times. He didn’t know why they felt it was a calming experience since afterwards he worried about how much blood he’d lost, how to hide the cuts, and his mind was still confused as ever. He was sneaky with his mom about the “girly” things in his life, hiding them well. He began wearing things like eyeliner and sometimes shadow on days where his pills were forgotten or were withheld from him. It made him feel pretty and good about himself. He hadn’t told any of his friends by that point about himself, always making excuses when he couldn’t do things they did or when he did something that was a bit more “girly” than normal. By the end of his first year in high school he was labeled “gay” and while that was bad to most people it was better than how things would be if they knew the truth.
16, 17, & 18 years old.
Xylan’s sixteenth birthday was when all the bad finally blew up in a nuclear way. That fight involved him, his dad screaming at him after finding a few of his “forbidden” items in their hiding spot and he fought back this time. He wanted to be able to make the choice, live his own life and be his own person. He had grown up forcing himself to believe that male was his only option thanks to his father but his mother had kept reminding him Female was also in his deck of cards. His mom had enough of his dad’s fighting and demands and took Xylan out of there, and it would have been perfect if only it hadn’t been winter and icy. Her anger blinded her to the conditions of the road as she ranted and raved over the latest fight and missed the patch of ice on a sharp turn. Taking it too fast the car slid out of control and rolled. She’d not been wearing her seatbelt and when Xylan came around his father barked at him that she was dead and that he could stop trying to be a girl for her. That day a part of Xylander died inside and he gave up the fight. Until he heard he’d be transferring from the school he went to and into a new one. He’d live in the dorms and would be “out of his father’s hair” there so he looked forward to it. It was a chance to be himself whatever that was and to try new things, make new friends, and live a new life. He started school and never looked back, but keeps in contact with dad who gives him his pills and checks in every other day to make sure they’re being taken so that his son doesn’t become his daughter. But what daddy don’t know don’t hurt him and Xylan’s determined to find the life he’s meant to live. He may be destined to live as a “man” but now he’d have the chance to find that out himself rather than being told what to do.
19, 20, & 21 years old.
Living in the dorms and making his own choices only led to more problems and confusion and the fact that the voices he’d been hearing since his mothers death weren’t normal was pointed out to him. They all had names and sometimes the sounds of their voices was enough to make him try any means to stop them leading to a few suicide attempts. It was through one of these attempts he met Benny. Ben was in college to be a doctor and during his internship at the local hospital he ended up having Xylan as a case. The two got along well and he helped, the voices weren’t as bad when he was around at first. Moving in together Xy thought things would be good. It didn’t take long for the voices to get used to Benny’s presence though and really in the man’s eyes things became unbearable. Watching Xylander try to kill himself five times and hearing the arguments, conversations, and knowing from Xy what was being said he knew he just couldn’t help him very well. Then the gender confusion got even worse with Xy's voices adding their opinions and leaving the boy curled up on the floor in tears trying to make them quiet down so he could choose since his mom had always told him it was his choice. That was what led to the trip, he brought Xy along to see the place he was considering working and well…he walked out without him. It was a dirty trick but he needed the help Ben said and so he walked away and never looked back leaving Xy with a bunch of other crazy people to try to figure out what he did wrong to make the man he loved abandon him.[/ul][/size][/blockquote][/blockquote]
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THIS APPLICATION WAS MADE BY MIADAY PARADE AND IS FOR HER USE ONLY.
THIS APPLICATION WAS MADE BY MIADAY PARADE AND IS FOR HER USE ONLY.
