As You Cry {Mayumi's Journal}

[MAYUMI FAEY KIMURA]

Page 1

Apr 19, 2010

Hey, I have to start this thing all over because when I came to this shit hole they made me leave everything at home. I have no fucking books, just my iPod, my cell, and my clothes were allowed to come with me. Stupid I know, but what can I do? I guess I'm going to have to go to the fucking library, I hate that place. I haven't been in one since I was like four! I go to book stores because I feel good walking out with a book in my hand that I bought with daddy's money. Oh that was funny, I think I almost laughed, but I cant because I'm going to do something...Im going to cut open my arms and sprinkle crank into my veins. Much better than snorting it don't you think? It wont tear apart my brain, and my veins are strong enough to handle it anyway. God I just love the feeling I get when I cut, so crank will make the feeling like a thousand times better right? If it doesn't then ima be pissed. Anyway I have been working on my poetry but I will put that on another page...Or maybe on here? I'm not exactly sure. I found tons of new music that I put on my iPod I'm really excited about it. But a few of them make me think about him... Oh god! I almost started to cry, but this is a happy moment in my life. Cutting always makes me happy. So I think I might sing again or draw...I always did like doing those two things as a kid. Anyway when I do this I'm going to let it sting for a minute of so then I am going to ad the drugs. But just in one arm and not a lot of them, like a pinch of salt but instead its a pinch of drugs. Well I might as well put my poem down now. I'm going to turn to a new page, so yeah. Kbye.

[MAYUMI FAEY KIMURA]

Page 2

A Poem

You Never Cared:

The sadness is choking me.
Alone in my room,
I have learned to cry in silence.
I see the light under the door,
but do I dare let it in?
No I cant take that risk.
The light caused pain & sadness.
So as I sit here I wonder,
Does anyone really care?
I have found the answer....Its no.
I pick up the bottle and the blade.
They are my only friends now.
The pills take away everything,
but the blade makes me feel.
I watch the red run down my whist with clouded eyes.
I smile at the cuts as I make them.
I thank everyone of those red lines.
I thank them for the feeling they bring,
I lay in silence.
No one comes looking...No one in the light cares.
I smile in the dark as my bed is stained red.
I'm my last moments I think.
This is my last thought:
"You never cared."

[MAYUMI FAEY KIMURA]

Page 3

Apr 29, 2010

Well shit...I haven't written in here for a while. I guess I could tell you whats happened so far in my life. Ive met this cutie musician named Ashby, hes really nice and stuff. But what if he thinks I'm some sort of freak? He dose I just know it, all guys think I'm a freak. I also met CJ, I'm not sure if thats his real name or not. But I could care less. He found me bleeding from a wound he caused and then was a total ass about it. Anyway I also got my little December that day and I love her to death! Shes sitting right here on my lap as I'm writing. She is purring like crazy, my goodness shes a god cat. Anyway I'm gonna wrap this up...I think ill write another poem soon. Kbye.

[MAYUMI FAEY KIMURA]

Page 4

A Poem

The Broken One:

She sits and cries,
when no one comes looking.
She has mastered the fake smile.
She pretends to feel.
She laughs with strangers.
She is empty inside.
She gives away her body,
because its of no use to her.
People take and she lets them.
She hurts herself in secret ways.
She lies through her teeth,
but its only to hide the pain.
She lies to everyone,
including herself.
She tries to believe the lies.
She has broken many others.
She wishes to die.

She is me.

[MAYUMI FAEY KIMURA]

Page 5

A Song

What Is Love?

In a sitch like this you've gotta think
And I don't think you think about the way he thinks
And I know you live life for yourself
But it all comes down to the way you help

And I know your life is such a hell
You wake up early and you work until
You have your drinks at 5 o'clock
The hours blend and your thoughts all
Haunt

Your hopes, your dreams, your everything
Well, momma I hope, I dream, that you won't
Leave

And I have a question!

What is love?
What is love?
Oh, oh oh oh-oh-oh
Is it giving up?
'Cause that's not how you raised me,
Yeah.

In a sitch like this you gotta think
And I don't think you think about the way
She thinks
And I know you work hard everyday
But it all comes down to the way you're
Paid

And I know you're oh so sorry dad
I truly believe that you're a better man
Than to share one kiss then give away
All the love you come home everyday

To your hopes, your dreams, your everything
Well daddy, I hope, I dream that she won't
Leave

And I have a question!

What is love?
What is love?
Oh, oh oh oh-oh-oh
Is it giving up?
'Cause that's not how you raised me.
And what is love?
What is love?
Oh, oh oh oh-oh-oh
See, I don't know anymore;

I used to look up to that love.

[MAYUMI FAEY KIMURA]

Page 6

May 5, 2010

I'm just sitting here listening to music. My headphones are in my ears and Cobra Starship is pouring into my brain. I'm fucking bored in this fucking room. They changed the dorm room...I share my room with four other girls and five guys. Their are a few cute ones but yeah...I have noticed that all the attractive kids go here. Is this a place where mommy and daddy dump their beautiful spoiled brats because they never taught them how to live with normal people? WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE THEN!?! I mean my parents aren't rich, I'm ugly as fuck, and I'm sooooo not smart. I don't fucking get it...I mean I have a few talents but they all suck. I sing, but I'm not any good. I draw, but they are very poor. I dance, but its like a strip tease. I fucking suck at life...I know this and I have tried to fix the problem by killing myself...But people tell me that they would miss me. HA! Makes me fucking laugh because they wouldn't miss me, they would just feel bad and they don't want to. I tell them not to but they still do. Is that why I'm here, am I apart of the crazies that walk along the halls? That I see every fucking day? Do they ever let you out? Do they tell your family that your still sick when your better, just because they know that you would spill the secrets that hide inside this building if you got out? Well whatever the reason is...I am turning 18 in eleven days and I'm stuck inside this hell hole. My new friend Dustin is going to sing me happy birthday. First time I have heard those words come out of anyones mouth other than mine in about 2 or 3 years. Am I really that unloved? Anyway I'm going to close my eyes and listen to Cobra...I might let myself bleed just a bit before I close my eyes...

p.s. Do you ever wonder what you see when you close your eyes for the last time?